Surprise; Inner child; Opportunity.
The Page cards always remind me to be excited, rather than exhausted, by new ideas. And the idea of being excited by emotion and social connection (with the Cups) is a bit foreign to me, as most of the time I would rather be in my room playing video games alone. Honestly, give me that Chilling Adventures of Sabrina gig where you sign away your social life in exchange for ultimate power any day. That would be the ultimate hustle, when Satan realizes that I only gave up saying “Hey” to hot bicep-y guys on Grindr and then accidentally ghosting them to concentrate on my Sims household. I win again, Satan.
I’ve been trying to convince myself to get out of the house and go to a gay bar on my impromptu three-day-weekend. The problem is that when I get to the elevator I immediately panic and start to think about all the ways it could go terribly wrong, including but not limited to a sudden launch into nuclear war leading to the last thing I experience on earth being a bunch of gay men losing their mind to “Bounce” by Iggy Azalea. And now I have that song stuck in my head. Was it worth it, self? Was it worth it for the joke?
I also almost pulled the courage to go out and meet a Grindr guy except that neither of us had a place to meet. Which wouldn’t be a problem on Long Island, because of the existence of cars, but in NYC if you don’t have an empty apartment to hang out in you will be surrounded by ten other people and five of them are walking slowly on the sidewalk in front of you, linked arm in arm like they’re challenging you to play red rover if they don’t get out of the way fast enough. So… needless to say that was a bust. Or a non-bust, actually.
Realistically I’m going to order potato skins and stay in for the night while throwing myself deep into the mind of everyone’s favorite elvish twunk, Link, while teaching myself how to play Smash rather than going out to smash. Also don’t give me shit about Link not being an elf. He’s an elf. He’s ageless, wears green, has long ears, and is a vers bottom. What better description of an elf do you need?
Ryan C. Robert is the writer of multiple comedy blogs, most of which are satirical and self-deprecating. He writes about his life in his personal essay series "Before Color," parodies cooking blogs in "Trish's Dishes" and posts writing prompts every single day.