In middle school I got tricked by this really obnoxious demon named Rymekilb into releasing her from her eternal prison and allowing her to reclaim dominion over the seventh layer of hell, except then it turned out that she was just a bored teenage girl catfishing me and that totally pissed me off because honestly what a complete waste of my time and potential.
I was always convinced that there was something special and off about me (I mean, was I technically wrong?) and my suspicions were confirmed in the first grade when I looked at this poster for too long and it fell off the wall. I knew deep down that I had superpowers I just never had a solid answer as to what they were and, for me, telekinesis was the best choice. I was a good 1 pound 2 ounces at all times, so any power that involved me not having to lift anything for the rest of my life was a solid evolutionary choice.
Around 7th grade I was also invited to join a coven by two girls I met during play practice for Footloose and I was totally in because I figured it was about time that I started kicking some demonic ass. Except once I actually joined I realized that all they wanted to do any time we hung out was draw pentagrams and astral project. Snoooooze. I mean when do we start wrestling demons in a giant WWE ring, amiright Phoebe Halliwell? Also they were super into writing their own spells and no offense but I was told by the High Priestess Alyson Hannigan that there wouldn’t be any homework involved. All I’m supposed to have to do is stick my hands through the pages of a book and absorb the words up into my eyeballs until my hair turns black, it’s really not that complicated.
Eventually I left the coven half because I misplaced my book of shadows and didn’t feel like writing a new one (it seemed like a lot of work and also I was out of staples) and half because I just wasn’t interested in anything they were interested in and so anytime they started talking I’d have to astral project to a plane of existence where I wasn’t bored out of my skull. I was also getting tired of my mom making fun of me for being a witch, even though I walked in on her singing Evanescence once so really we know which one of us had the more embarrassing secret. I may have been the catalyst for a fake demonic war taking place on another plane of existence but at least I listened to Bring Me To Life with headphones on, Mom.
Ryan C. Robert is the writer of multiple comedy blogs, most of which are satirical and self-deprecating. He writes about his life in his personal essay series "Before Color," parodies cooking blogs in "Trish's Dishes" and posts writing prompts every single day.