When I was grocery shopping about a year ago I almost walked directly into the most gorgeous boy I had ever seen. We’re talking full on lacrosse twink, which is kind of like a soccer twink, but taller and with wavier hair. And a soccer twink is kind of like a twunk but with a hair flip and way too perfect legs. And a twunk is kind of like-... You know what? Never mind. Just open up urbandictionary in another tab. It is not my job to educate you. In fact, I am maybe the least qualified person to educate anyone on anything considering my attendance in high school was as rare and spaced out as the entire Black Mirror series.
When I walked into him I was blown away. I thought, could I really be experiencing the first ever gay grocery store meet cute? Because, let me tell you something, gay meet cutes don’t happen in grocery stores. You want to know how gay meet cutes happen? You see a hot boy on the street, pull up grindr, and look to see which faceless torso is going, “51 feet away, 52 feet away, 53 feet away…” You definitely do not approach them in a grocery store. And you don’t meet them in laundromats either. The one place we have is gay bars, and even there you can’t meet cute. You can meet drunk, you can meet messy, or you can meet their boyfriend. And sometimes you can do all three!
The problem with running into this beautiful, beautiful man was that when I turned the corner I saw that he was there shopping with another hot guy. And they had a shopping cart. Which means they’re locked down. Shopping carts in the city mean commitment. Or homelessness. If you need an entire shopping cart for your trip to the grocery store in the city, you are fully prepared to stick with this person and apartment for at least another year, and that’s just a fact.
His boyfriend was cute too, though. (He was a soccer twink.) And, realistically, if I wanted, I probably could have approached them for a threesome, because one of them was wearing a sleeveless shirt so they were definitely in an open relationship. If you’re gonna wear a sleeveless shirt to the grocery store with your boyfriend you might as well just have a neon sign that says, “LOOKING FOR A THIRD.” It’s like how wearing a baseball henley means that you’re vers, but you prefer to bottom. Honestly, gay guys communicate half through their clothing. We’re very advanced in that way. It’s like how chameleons communicate through changing their skin color. (I’m pretty sure blue means “looking for fun but can’t host” in chameleon. I’d have to urbandictionary it to be sure, though.)
Ryan C. Robert is the writer of multiple comedy blogs, most of which are satirical and self-deprecating. He writes about his life in his personal essay series "Before Color," parodies cooking blogs in "Trish's Dishes" and posts writing prompts every single day.