EPISODE 4: "Moderation"
The more I thought about it, the more I didn’t like the word “obsession” either. Yes, it’s very perfume commercial. OBSESSION. But it just has a weird connotation to it. I think I prefer the phrase “lack of moderation” instead.
Probably my biggest… lack of moderation... was during this 6 month period where I was ordering delivery every single day. Because when I say I was ordering delivery every single day what I really mean is that I was ordering delivery twice every single day. Or three times, if I was feeling responsible and wanted breakfast. (What? It’s important to start the day right.) Around that time I’d also bought this app called Mint which helps you budget your money, which I bought because at the time I was in the process of rearranging my iPhone apps by color and I needed one that was green. And then one day Mint sent me an email like, “Would you like to see where most of your money is being spent?” And that email was sandwiched between 4 emails from delivery.com and 5 from grubhub. I was like, “Thanks, but I think I can Veronica Mars this one on my own.”
Really the only way that I got over my delivery obsess-... lack of moderation, was by moving to a basement apartment with a gate and a broken buzzer. It means the only way that I could possibly know when the delivery guy would get here would be if I installed a periscope in my apartment so I could peer out into the outside world like some kind of really hungry deep sea diver that ordered a really soggy deep dish pizza. But I don’t think I could handle the responsibility of a periscope. I mean, I already have enough trouble just trying to maintain an instagram and a twitter. I can’t add another social media account onto my plate. Plus I already have like 10 blue apps, so it’d mess with the color scheme of my iPhone layout.
I think the moral of this story is that my entire life is just one big lack of moderation. Which, now that I’m saying that word a whole bunch, I’m realizing that that is also a great perfume name. MODERATION. In fact, I think it’s better than my first option because it’s a dual purpose name. It already sounds like you’re in a perfume commercial when you say it, and also I just feel like sometimes when it comes to perfume some people need the reminder.
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Ryan C. Robert
Ryan C. Robert is the writer of multiple comedy blogs, most of which are satirical and self-deprecating. He writes about his life in his personal essay series "Before Color," parodies cooking blogs in "Trish's Dishes" and posts writing prompts every single day.
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