I’d always planned to go vegetarian so that I could get one step closer towards becoming youtube sensation Laura Miller, but the timing was just never right. I always seemed to be missing three key ingredients in the recipe for vegetarianism: Commitment, self-control, and MODERATION. I have the attention span of a fruit fly (go ahead, make your jokes), so, the whole commitment thing kind of falls through right away. As for self-control? I have none. Especially when it comes to grocery shopping.
When I walk into a grocery store it’s like I black out. I walk through the front door, lose an hour of my life, and wake up back at my apartment with three tubs of hummus, a single banana and a pack of deli meat. And as for MODERATION? Every time I get home from the grocery store it’s like a race to see who can eat all of the food the fastest. Except everybody involved loses, and also I’m the only one competing.
Still, when I moved to the city I bought a food processor and was DETERMINED to try and go vegetarian by trying out Laura’s recipes. I started with her chocolate avocado pudding one because that one looked like it was on a whole other level. So I whipped up the pudding, put it in a bowl, and then went to wash up the food processor because if you let mashed avocado sit on a dish for longer than 30 seconds it fully goes through a Steven Universe style fusion with the plate. Only problem was I forgot that food processors have giant spinning knives attached to them, and two seconds later I was gushing blood out of my thumb. It was everywhere. The plates, the processor, the pudding, which was the worst part. I mean I was supposed to be making chocolate pudding, not blood pu-... you know what? Never mind. I already hear you booing that joke, and it’s not worth the self-esteem loss.
For a minute I considered whether I could still salvage any of it, since the ingredients were all kind of expensive. But that was a little bit too Sweeney Todd: The Origin Story even for me. Plus, is it still even considered vegan if there’s human in there? And if that’s the case was Hannibal Lector technically a vegan? What if it’s specifically you that you’re eating? Because if that’s the case I’ve been a cannibal for a very long time due to my cheek-chewing. Regardless, I threw it out and went to the hospital. I didn’t want to be that idiot that accidentally starts the zombie apocalypse just because he didn’t want to waste some coconut oil. (Sorry, did I just spoil the plot of Resident Evil 8? Fuck.)
Ryan C. Robert is the writer of multiple comedy blogs, most of which are satirical and self-deprecating. He writes about his life in his personal essay series "Before Color," parodies cooking blogs in "Trish's Dishes" and posts writing prompts every single day.