This 0 bedroom 0 bath NYC apartment has everything you need: There is 1 kitchen sink located directly next to the exposed toilet, 3 square inches of counter space, and a centrally located candle (lighter not included) that can be used to heat meals. The apartment is shared by 4 like-minded professionals that work normal 9-6 jobs and are rarely home except for on the weekdays and occasionally on the weekends, so you'll barely ever see them.
The entire apartment is separated into 3 bedrooms (we only have three dividers, but feel free to bring your own!) and you will be sharing the corner of the room that has the candle in it (great for late night reading) with a thousand-year old demon named Balthazar. Be dog-friendly, as Balthazar has 3 pitbulls that ceremoniously circle the second bed (your bed) each night. (Please be respectful as this is what keeps Balthazar bound to this mortal coil.) All rooms in the apartment have exposed brick from floor-to-ceiling, as well as exposed insulation, so there's a nice homey feel to it.
There is no laundry on-site, no doorman, and technically no front door (though the building does have one of those beaded curtains.) It is a 12 story walk-up, so you'll get all your exercise coming home every night (yay cardio!) No grocery stores nearby, but there is a single Californian witch that sets up shop outside the building every Winter Solstice who can sell you as many crystals as you can afford.
To rent this room you will need to make 80x the yearly rent, or you will need a guarantor that is one of the original railroad tycoons from the Gilded Age. This is a prime NYC* apartment so it WILL go fast, as NYC is all about LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION.
Room can either come furnished (an extra $100 needed to keep the stuff) or unfurnished (an extra $100 needed to hire movers to move the stuff outside.) Will need first months rent, second months rent, last months rent, security deposit (which is 3x the rent) and the second-to-last month's rent to move in. Move-in date is negotiable, but preferably after Thursday as that's when the exterminator is coming to drive out the two warring factions of cockroaches that are currently embroiled in a week's long battle to claim dominion over the kitchen.
NO COUPLES, female only, absolutely NO guests ever, and the only pets allowed are like-minded pitbulls willing to join Balthazar's pack for all eternity.** Email ASAP as this apartment is sure to go FAST!
*This apartment is only an hour train ride into the city and is located in New Jersey.
**This bond is broken and your dog's soul is returned should Balthazar's amulet be destroyed. But please do not be a jerk and break his amulet just to get your dog back. Our last roommate tried to do that and it caused a lot of unnecessary drama.
Please do not text, email, or call. We only accept potential roomie applications via snapchat. Use the dog filter to let us know that you read the whole thing.
Ryan C. Robert is the writer of multiple comedy blogs, most of which are satirical and self-deprecating. He writes about his life in his personal essay series "Before Color," parodies cooking blogs in "Trish's Dishes" and posts writing prompts every single day.