I'm not entirely sure why grocery shopping is so difficult for me, but it is. It doesn't matter how much I prepare for it either. I could plan out meals for the entire week, create a fully detailed list of everything I need to purchase, and then, even still, I'll walk back into my apartment an hour later with 4 tubs of hummus, a bunch of bananas, and a quart of milk. It's like I black out when I walk into a grocery store. I just throw all my plans out the window and randomly pick up things that I vaguely remember enjoying at some point in time, with no regard to how fast it'll go bad. "I'm a person who likes grapes, right? Better grab 5 bags of those. Sometimes I eat tuna. I'll grab just one single can of that, don't wanna go overboard. Ah, yes, a gigantic jug of almond milk that expires 2 days after opening. SOLD!" I just get so lost and confused.
Another thing that throws me about grocery shopping is the checkout line. I totally get the impulse-buy stuff, don't get me wrong. Like, the candy and snacks up at the register? Totally understandable. But what the FUCK is with that random soap/alcohol aisle past the cashier on your way out? How the hell are you supposed to get there? Do you just push past the people on line so you can browse to your hearts content? The only other way I can reasonably see you getting to shop from that aisle is to wait until your items are already getting rung up, tell the cashier to hold on a minute, and then go to see which soaps and/or wines you would like to buy. All the while avoiding the heat-beams of death that the people behind you in line are shooting into your back. Which, by the way, doesn't that aisle existing AFTER the checkout make it like twenty times easier for people to steal that stuff? I'm just saying, I don't think whoever came up with this idea thought it all the way through.
And another thing: If you're a grocery store that carries bagels but doesn't have your own brand of cream cheese you NEED to step your bagel game up. It's just common sense. Nobody wants Philadelphia brand cream cheese because it's not actual cream cheese. That stuff is weird and NOT the right consistency, okay? Also, on the subject of bagels, I get it, okay? They are primarily a breakfast food. But can we please revisit the idea of night bagels? I don't think it's completely unreasonable and as someone who never goes grocery shopping before 7pm this is pretty important to me. Nothing hurts my soul more than walking into the bakery section of the store and seeing a single discarded bagel so far back in the display that the attached tongs won't even reach it. It's like one of those crane games that you always lose, only instead of costing a quarter it just costs time and happiness.
Anyways, I forget what my original point was, but that doesn't matter. I think the central lesson here is that whoever is designing these grocery stores is a little bit lost, design-wise, and maybe that's why I always end up coming home with a bag of sugar, a single frozen pizza, and a bag of spinach each time I go shopping. So I guess the point of this post is that if you ever send me grocery shopping, like most things in life, it isn't my fault and I can't be blamed for it. Yeah, I think I like that as being the moral of this blog post.
Ryan C. Robert is the writer of multiple comedy blogs, most of which are satirical and self-deprecating. He writes about his life in his personal essay series "Before Color," parodies cooking blogs in "Trish's Dishes" and posts writing prompts every single day.