Porn, Walks, and Quitting Your Job (You Have 302 New Messages)

We don't talk enough about how anxiety like, speeds up time to an insane degree

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Like I woke up like 10 minutes ago, but it's actually been 2 hours. Does that make sense?

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Wait, fuck, I just checked the time and it's been 2 and a half hours. 

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See, this is why I wake up like 4 hours early for work. I could honestly just blink and be late. It wouldn't even be my fault.

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Also not to like side with baby boomer comics, but it absolutely has something to do with technology

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because the other day I went out for a walk without my phone or my watch, and it felt like I was out there for days

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like I walked so much that I was essentially living in the woods at that point (in... the middle of NYC)

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and then when I finally got too hungry to go on and walked home, I looked at the clock and I was only gone for 45 minutes.

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Like, what the hell is that? It felt like DAYS.

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Anyway I just went for another ​life-affirming walk 

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because I really want to quit my job but can't like pin down how to do it exactly 

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and so I was keeping my eye out for any help wanted signs in like non-retail establishments.

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Like, "Help Wanted: Need one inexperienced, unqualified Life Coach" or something like that, I guess

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anyway I was fully in the middle of a quarter-life-crisis/about-to-cry-while-walking-the-streets-of-NYC-meltdown while half-looking for help wanted signs and half-on-Grindr-looking-for-tops and then this happened!

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And I gotta say, I've never been more disappointed by a typo correction in my life.

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For a brief moment I really was like, "HOW DID THIS HOT MAN KNOW I WAS JOB HUNTING? THANK YOU GOD!"

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It was really a big let down. Which isn't his fault, because he had no idea what was happening.

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But still. Anyways, the point is the walk wasn't the same when I had my phone on me because I just spent the entire time on a constant cycle checking every dating app that has ever been invented.

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Also towards the end of my walk I started thinking about that video of the woman banging on the bus door singing opera at the bus driver

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and so then I just ended up watching that on my walk home instead.

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And I also thought about just, like, quitting and living off of what I have saved up

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which I could totally do, by the way.

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I'd just have to stop getting as much delivery

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and also go through and cancel all of my subscriptions that I pay for but don't use at all

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which would be like its own cool little scavenger hunt, 'cause I totally don't remember what I'm even signed up for. Like sometimes I just go to a website and all the features will already be unlocked for me. It's like I subscribe while blacked out or something.

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Anyways, I'd start by canceling the HBO addition for Hulu, then move onto Playstation Live, then Pornhub.

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Which, I know what you're thinking. "Wow, he pays for porn. And here I thought he wasn't responsible."

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Honestly, I never thought I would do it, but it's kind of like when you're young and you limewire a bunch of music because you don't have any money

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but then when you're in your 20s and have disposable income (and by disposable inc. I mean a $20 bill you found in your pants pocket when you washed your jeans from that one time you took money out to go to a bar that you thought was cash only but it totally wasn't)

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THEN with that disposable income you decide that you totally DO want to support your favorite artists and buy that new Amanda Palmer album when it comes out.

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It's like that, except instead of Amanda Palmer albums I'm paying for Mickey Knox videos. 

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