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Porn, Walks, and Quitting Your Job (You Have 302 New Messages)

9/18/2019

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We don't talk enough about how anxiety like, speeds up time to an insane degree

Like I woke up like 10 minutes ago, but it's actually been 2 hours. Does that make sense?

Wait, fuck, I just checked the time and it's been 2 and a half hours. 

See, this is why I wake up like 4 hours early for work. I could honestly just blink and be late. It wouldn't even be my fault.

Also not to like side with baby boomer comics, but it absolutely has something to do with technology

because the other day I went out for a walk without my phone or my watch, and it felt like I was out there for days

like I walked so much that I was essentially living in the woods at that point (in... the middle of NYC)

and then when I finally got too hungry to go on and walked home, I looked at the clock and I was only gone for 45 minutes.

Like, what the hell is that? It felt like DAYS.

Anyway I just went for another ​life-affirming walk 

because I really want to quit my job but can't like pin down how to do it exactly 

and so I was keeping my eye out for any help wanted signs in like non-retail establishments.

Like, "Help Wanted: Need one inexperienced, unqualified Life Coach" or something like that, I guess

anyway I was fully in the middle of a quarter-life-crisis/about-to-cry-while-walking-the-streets-of-NYC-meltdown while half-looking for help wanted signs and half-on-Grindr-looking-for-tops and then this happened!

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And I gotta say, I've never been more disappointed by a typo correction in my life.

For a brief moment I really was like, "HOW DID THIS HOT MAN KNOW I WAS JOB HUNTING? THANK YOU GOD!"

It was really a big let down. Which isn't his fault, because he had no idea what was happening.

But still. Anyways, the point is the walk wasn't the same when I had my phone on me because I just spent the entire time on a constant cycle checking every dating app that has ever been invented.

Also towards the end of my walk I started thinking about that video of the woman banging on the bus door singing opera at the bus driver

and so then I just ended up watching that on my walk home instead.

And I also thought about just, like, quitting and living off of what I have saved up

which I could totally do, by the way.

I'd just have to stop getting as much delivery

and also go through and cancel all of my subscriptions that I pay for but don't use at all

which would be like its own cool little scavenger hunt, 'cause I totally don't remember what I'm even signed up for. Like sometimes I just go to a website and all the features will already be unlocked for me. It's like I subscribe while blacked out or something.

Anyways, I'd start by canceling the HBO addition for Hulu, then move onto Playstation Live, then Pornhub.

Which, I know what you're thinking. "Wow, he pays for porn. And here I thought he wasn't responsible."

Honestly, I never thought I would do it, but it's kind of like when you're young and you limewire a bunch of music because you don't have any money

but then when you're in your 20s and have disposable income (and by disposable inc. I mean a $20 bill you found in your pants pocket when you washed your jeans from that one time you took money out to go to a bar that you thought was cash only but it totally wasn't)

THEN with that disposable income you decide that you totally DO want to support your favorite artists and buy that new Amanda Palmer album when it comes out.

It's like that, except instead of Amanda Palmer albums I'm paying for Mickey Knox videos. 

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    ​Ryan C. Robert

    Ryan C. Robert is the writer of multiple comedy blogs, most of which are satirical and self-deprecating. He writes about his life in his personal essay series "Before Color," parodies cooking blogs in "Trish's Dishes" and posts writing prompts every single day.

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