Today I Bottomed for a Hot Basketball Player and Now My Whole Life Makes Sense Again (You Have 304 New Messages)
Just had an amazing hook up and I don't meant to be, like, that guy
...but I'm no longer depressed.
HEAR ME OUT.
It's not that I'm no longer depressed because I got laid... but it's like... I sort of get it now??? And all it took was some dick to get me there.
But not just any dick. Hot basketball player dick. Dick that is WAY out of my league.
But I got it. And he was, like... happy. Like it was great for BOTH parties.
EVEN THOUGH HE'S WAY OUT OF MY LEAGUE.
I hear you. "What the absolute FUCK does this have to do with you being depressed?
"Because you being depressed was never about a dry spell with guys, it was about a dry spell with writing and creative progress and growing an audience and blah blah blah"
BUT HERE'S THE THING.
This guy has been trying to hook up with me forever. And vice versa.
But it just didn't work out for a couple of different reasons.
At first when he hit me up he was looking for something tooooootally different than what I go for in a hook up or FWB or whatever.
So it was a full NEXT.
But then, like, because he's the hottest guy ever we kept hitting each other up and still nothing was happening.
Like, one of us would ghost the other, or one of us would say something that the other one was like, "eh, this isn't what I'm looking for," and then we'd move on.
But then today it happened.
And it was AMAZING.
Like, it was EXACTLY what I look for in a hook up!
And from what I could tell from his end, he felt the same way.
We were so in sync that he was able to actually navigate that tricky area where like you know what someone wants better than what they're actually saying. Like, not just in terms of going further with something but in terms of backing off of something they say they're comfortable with as well. UGH!!!! Amazing.
Also, not to segue, but the entire bottoming segment was actually about me for once which was crazy and afterwards we laid down and he napped and he snored like a purring lion and twitched in his sleep like a 4th grader desperately trying to block in Mortal Kombat.
It was adorable.
ANYWAY. Back on track.
The whole point of all of this is not to brag (though, again: Super tall, super hot, perfect body.)
But INSTEAD to say... We both thought it wasn't going to work... And then all it took was us being in the right place at the right time.
And it might've been frustrating waiting to get to that right place right time, but it was worth it in the end. And it worked out in the end.
(And he worked me out in the end. SORRY, I'll stop.)
But, like, this translates to everything for me. I can't be frustrated that what I'm doing isn't delivering results, or that people don't seem to like it or care about it right now.
Because maybe right now isn't the right time for them to enjoy it.
And that doesn't mean that the work I'm doing isn't worth it, or isn't good.
It just means that I need to keep going at it, keep working at it, keep writing what I'm writing and putting it out into the world
and then eventually a hot guy with nice biceps will come along and top my writing, and it'll be beautiful.
Which, I guess technically I could've sped up this whole epiphany by just paying attention to that "Truth Hurts" meme on twitter.
But it's just such a huge time sink to get invested in any Lizzo meme
because then every time I see it I have to go listen to her entire discography three times in a row.
And I just don't have that kind of time now that I figured everything out again.
Ryan C. Robert is the writer of multiple comedy blogs, most of which are satirical and self-deprecating. He writes about his life in his personal essay series "Before Color," parodies cooking blogs in "Trish's Dishes" and posts writing prompts every single day.