​Dear Glork,
Prefer to remain anonymous, but I’m having a bit of trouble in my dating life. I was hoping to get the hero to deliver a love letter to a man in town, so that we can finally start our relationship. The problem is that I found out that not only has the hero already passed through town, but they've also modded the game to take the love of my life with them as a companion! AND made him more hairy and muscly in the meantime. How can I find true love now? Is there still hope for us even though he’s off saving the world? Help me, Glork!

Thanks in advance,
Modly In Love.

Dear Mommy in love,
I am veary sorry to hear about all of this bad things happening in your life. Sounds like it is literally rterrible to be you and no one shold want to be you ever. Glork can sympathize but not understand becausse eveyrbody want to be Glork. 

Ok so first do not worry about you bpoyfriend being modded. Glork loves mods. One time Glork had a mod to have laser beam eyes and it was graet Glork shot his lasers at everaybody especially at evil gold stealer Leota Gram. So that’s first thing is meaybe you can also get mods to fit in maybbe you get laser beam eyes too or laser beam ears or laser beam finngers whatever works for you.

Next you do niot NEED to wait for a hero to ghellp you! You can ghellp yiurself, you are strong and have laser beam fingers which is good for when you need to walk across the whole entire worlds to find big beefy musclie boy with hairy feet to give a love ladder to like you said. 

Third things is why are you guiving him a ladder is he that very short that he neerds a ladder to say hi to you and love you? Please ghellp Glork to funderstand the exact porpoise of a love ladder because it sounds terrible likke your life.

​If you use al these tips Glork is sure this man will be your boyfriends forever but just don’t forget to invite Glork to sing at youer weddings because Glork needs the exposure to kickstaert his singeing career.

As always,
Glork knows best you will listen to Glork,
Love,
Glork.

As always,
Glork knows best you will listen to Glork
Have festive snappy Glorkmas,
​Glork

​Greetings, Glork,
Gagathiel Longstring here from the Kingdom of Verimead. I’m the scout stationed right before the front gate that’s meant to stop others from entering based on their progress in the game so far. I’m having an issue lately that at first I was able to ignore, but is now beginning to affect my entire work life in an embarrassing way. A few days ago the hero came through for the first time and, as he approached, I began my usual spiel with, “Halt, traveler! This Kingdom’s gates are closed to outsiders. … Oh, you were sent by Mariel from Restinn? Very well, you may pass. But be quick. You won’t want to find yourself wandering these streets after dark.” However… as soon as I got through, “Halt, traveler!” the hero had already utilized a haste spell to run past me, skipping the rest of my dialogue. He’s been back and forth ever since then and I keep attempting to initiate the dialogue, but he just won’t allow me. Things have gotten even worse now that he can fast travel there. My supervisor says that if I can’t do my job correctly I may have to find some other form of employment. How can I get the hero to slow down and speak to me before I lose my job?
Help me, Glork!

Sincerely,
Post Haste.

Dear Pose face,

Glork can help you with your probelms of being very bad at youer jobs. First of all why you don’t just yell really loud at the hero? Try it like this. “HALT TRAVELER!!!!!” you see how Glork uses projection to make big voices come out of his face to eat the air? That is what Gassytall Longface needs to do to make the hero hear her with his ears.

​Seconad of all is your job really that impotent to you? Glork must ask do thais job spark joy imto your thorax. And if not is it maebye time to find new employment maybe you work at Glork blacksmiths shop as register cashier girl positiom just opened up (part time no seasonal).

We have so many benefits too like larning how to count money and getting to work with famous life coach Glork wow you will be so lucky. Also sometimes we maybe will pay you (we can negotiate this part ween you come in by fighting each other and whoever wins wins the negotiation except Glork get to dranks a strength potion first just to be fair.)

When you quit your old stinky job and come to work for Glork all your draems will came true. Like if you dreamed about defending Glork from Bonegang DigDog the god of burying bones in Glork backyards because Glork accidenrtallty forget where the bones is and now Bonegang DigDog is here to collect them. Or if you draemed of putting hot iron on a anvil and smack it really hard with a hammier until it is a gun or a sword or boots or osmething (Glork will figure it out later just plaese get to smacking ASEP.)

​Think raelly hard about these offer because Glork thinks this position will go out fast fast fast and if Longface archer girl doesn’t act quick she will miss big career opportunities. Anuywys thank you for you application Glork will consider you and contact you in 2-80 days with a response on whether we hired you or hired you and then fired you for not showeing up to work becauause we forgot to tells you we hired you. 

​As always,
Glork knows best you will listen to Glork,
Fax maechine emotion,
Glork

Dear A Scared Goat,
I am understadnging of this bad bad situation miss Yodel Care. Glork has seen heroes that are very bad at side quests even Glork owns side quast. Here is a story from my Glork experianc: Glork goes to caves in Azurath wanting to find good Nag jellys to slurp on with pretty healer girl Ilalleath. Glork make its halfway into cave when attacked by giant horde of Nags! No!

Glork is backed into corners and snaps big face and claws at Nags to tell them leave me alone. Nags do not care about Glork’s big big face and throw webs on Glork. Glork is stiecky now and hates it. I have been defated and must wait for someone to come save Glork. Normally Glork texts Orfal about this and says come cast death plague on Nags, but new season of Bleck Mirror come outs at this time and Orfal watching Nosedive (very goods episode.) 

All of sufgdden Hero comes into cave and I think ok yes Glork is saved finally. But hero walks right past Nags and Glork! But I think maybe he does not see me because of all the web, so Glork calls out, “Greetings traveler, I have so many swords for you and gold if you make Glork not sticky.” Hero stops and does sit animation 5 times in a row before he runs past Nags and Glork! Glorks think to himself, this is big hero with small face that everyone so haoppys about and give so many armors to? This is Glork origins story of why I becam a life couch so that Glork can help like sitting heroes did not. 

​So here is Glorks ultimate advice for you: First and firstmoist if trees is getting you sticky kill them. Take any swords or axes or magic stick and hit the trees with it until theys die and then you can eat on they experianc points and become very haoppy and full of levels.

​Second and secondmist if hero cannot remember thjat you have to go home try yelling out into her ears, “HELLO I HAFE TO GO home.” Usuaully human ears is really sensitive to being yalled into direactly so she will say “ow quiet pleas” and then she will see you and say “oh hello right I remmerb now GLork is so smart for giving you thas advice.” And then she will say “wow wow wow you wshould go buy Glorks swords form his shop and some armors lets go there first they haviang a sale” and then you will say a “yes that’s a idea we have so many golds now to spend at GLorks shop only and not anywhare else.” 
Thank you and you are wlecome for solving your whole life.

​As always,
Glork knows best. You will buy all of Glork swords now with sale up to 3% off of salect stylus.
Love,
Glork.

Dearest Glork,
I need your wisdom in this moment. It is I, Illalleath. I’ve been peering into my altar at the temple between healing wounded adventurers and, lately, Glork… I just feel so alone. Then at night when I stare up into the sky at all the stars I can’t help but wonder about them. What do they mean? Why are they there? And then I start to think, are we the only ones out there? Or is there more? Are there Gods up above judging and planning and aiding us?
Glork, I need your guidance. I fear I’m starting to lose my faith.

Love and light,
Needs Self-Healing

Dear Pretty Small Face Healer Hands,
Glork has so many answers for you on this quaestion. But he will discuss the stars with you first. First of all they are too far away so that’s first things first. Second of all why are they so far away. Theird off all they are not close enough to here. Fourth of all are they made of jelly? We don’t know. Nobody knows until we eat them… Wow science is amazing.

​I don’t think Glork and pretty healer hands girl should worry about the stars becasuse they are too far away to be scary. If the stars attacked it would take them maybe almost 2 days to get here and by then Glork and healer hands have built up many spells and weapons to kill the star and eat its experianc points.

​But to answer your quyestion about gods of course wae are not alone. There is gods everywhere. Take for examples Gizzard Buzzneck, God of stinging people in thearr necks. If he is not here then why did Glork get stang in the neck yesterday by a wasp that wanted Glork’s jelly? Answer me that athemists.

Glork also knows about Bonegang DigDog, god of dog who buries bones in Glork’s backyard. He visited thin shell blacksmith boy shop yetsterday to yell so many barks to Glork, and normally I would be intimidated because Bonegang DigDog is a very big god, but Glork kept his composure and sold Bonegang three swords for all of his laergest barks. It was a very good deal and now Glork is rich in barks and not so rich in swords. Glork will need more swords.

There are many more gods for Glork to go on and on and on about like Zanzibar High Hair, Milkteeth the Devourer, Birdney Spars, Skullcrack Scatterbug, and Leafman. But Glork will nort bore you with very real very accurate hnistorical god stories. After all thease are the mysterious of the universe, but Glork has the answers of them and can share them over hot leaf water and jelly with pretty face healer hands if she wants. Just not during full moons that is when Milkteeth is at his most powerful and wants to feed on thin shell snappy claws blkacksmiths, so we hide under the greenest rocks. We nwill be safe from his milky teeth.

​As always,
Glork knows best. You will listen to Glork.
Love,
Glork.

​Dear wormier for wario,
“No,” says Glork. You do not needs hero for finding of love with fighter man. Glork suggests using new love app Fightr. Download app onto magic phone and find hot singles in your area that will fight you 1v1 and kiss you 1v1 on your big face. If you have a small face don’t fret Glork sisters Orfal has a potion for you to make your face very long and green to attract handsome fighters and eat lots of jelly. This will make you very very happy and very very not lonely. Trust in Glork, I am a master of loves.

​If you do not get medssages on Fightr it is because you show too much torsos not enough thorax. Show only thorax for maximnum loves and then maybe show one snappy claw to be flirty. Only one!!!! I know this formulas very well because Glork studies dating books. 

Also maybe Glork sughgesrt you stop looking for big beefy boy and looking for snappy claws thin shell boy instead. Maybe he is good blacksmith you never know maybe he can make you good swords you mnever know! 

Glork is sunggesting you create an apps profile and say “looking” first so that other warriors know that you have eyes and can see them if theys attack. Then you maybes write “travel preferred” because you like to go to oteher towns and don’t wants to stay in breadville where you live. Then final stap is Glork says put “1 on 1 or groups” so that warriors know you will fight them alls if they snapping ytheir claws at you too many times even if there is many swarms of thems. 

​These are all the secrets to get you boys to kiss on your face. Glork is glad to have solved all your lifes problems all at once wow I am good at my jobs.

​As always,
Glork knows best. You will listen to Glork.
Eggplanet emotion,
Glork.

Dearest Glork,
You may know me from the merchant conventions, my name is Leota Gram and I’m a traveling general merchant. I mainly follow the hero around wherever he goes and attempt to sell him general wares. The odd potion here, a grenade there. And with each new place I have to inflate my prices in order to keep up with the travel fees. The problem is, the hero seems to naturally find these things on his journeys and never needs to buy them. Instead, he just uses me to sell his things. I don’t know how to tell him that I don’t want them and that I can’t make a living this way, because every time I try I get anxious about hurting his feelings. Now I am in severe debt and my business is crumbling.
Help me, please, Glork!
Sincerely,
None Of My Gold Can Stay

​Dear Evil Yucky Gold Slayer,
You go away from this page! Leota Gram is evil wizards woman who tries to steal business ideas from innocent Orfal. Leota Gram sells potions and spells but does Leota have big face like Orfal? No, Leota has small face and no snappy claws like precious Orfal. Leota doesn’t even have pretty face and healer hands like healer girl Ilalleath.

​Leota deserves to have the hero not buy her wares because her wares are bad wares. Her wares arre cheap wares! Cheap like bad not cheap like a good deal, Glork must stress this. Leota has no good deals, not deals like Orfal has at her shop Orfal’s Good Paowerful Spells For Cheap Golds (that is the name, give it a good yelps revieew thank you.) 

Here is what Glork thinks Leota should do to have a baetter life through Glork’s coachings: Go away! Go far away to a distant place with nobody theres. Then Leota will be happy and everyone else will be happy too. And Leota will have the biggest face of everyone on the lands because she will be the only ones with a face. Leota can buy her own overpriced wares on this island and sell them to herself too. No pesky heroes, no pesky Leota. I think this is best advice Glork ever gave. You are welcomas.

​As always,
Glork knows best. You will listen to Glork.
Hate,
Glork.

​Hello Sea Battle,
I am glad you reached out to Glork. Glork will ghellp all your problems. First: You must get rid of valuable loots so hero stops squishing you. Give it to Glork if you must, Glork is trustworthy.  Glork will hold onto your weapons and not sell them to the hero when he passes through town asking for best Mantis blacksmith in the land. Glork instead will tell him that there is no Mantis here, I am just a green man with big face and snappy claws, keep moving. And hero will listen because Glork is a good actor with a trustworthy bug eyes.