"Lootless in Seattle"

​Dear Glork,
You may have heard of me, my name is Bogden Grimspast and I’m the third boss of Act 1, the giant skeleton knight that guards the burial tomb of Isenhart Liteslayer. A couple of days ago, embarrassingly enough, that traveling hero came through my neck of the woods and defeated me in combat. Fair’s fair, so he grabbed my loot, raided the tomb, and took off. But, see, the problem is now he’s made a habit of coming back every few days, right after I respawn, to kill me and loot me again! How can I get him to stop? Is it possible for me to defeat him when he keeps getting stronger the more he kills me? Help me, Glork!
Sincerely, 
Lootless in Seattle.

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​Hello Sea Battle,
I am glad you reached out to Glork. Glork will ghellp all your problems. First: You must get rid of valuable loots so hero stops squishing you. Give it to Glork if you must, Glork is trustworthy.  Glork will hold onto your weapons and not sell them to the hero when he passes through town asking for best Mantis blacksmith in the land. Glork instead will tell him that there is no Mantis here, I am just a green man with big face and snappy claws, keep moving. And hero will listen because Glork is a good actor with a trustworthy bug eyes.

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Next step is you must come to Glork sister's shop, Orfal Squishwood. Orfal sells you big spells that you use on heroes to make him go away. You need fireball? She sells fireball. You need death plague? She sells death plague. You need heal spells? You go somewhere else Orfal sold out of heals spell, Orfal’s shop will not restocked until next save.

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Third step is when heroes come to Bogdens tombs you say, “hello nobody is home.” Hero will be confused by this because hero will hear skeleton voices. He say “yes Bogden is home” and you say “IGNUS” (this is how you cast Orfal fireballs spell) then you kill hero with fireballs it works every time guaranteed (no money back no refunds.)

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If this does not work you come baeck to Glork he will tell you next steps on becoming even stronger Bogden than you are now. Glork knows that you are worth respawning in peace and Glork wants the baest for you and knows you can achieve Bogden dreams of protecting loots. Just need to make more Squishwood purchases is all. Just that that’s all. 

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As always,
Glork knows best. You will listen to Glork.
Love,
Glork.

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