Post Haste

​Greetings, Glork,
Gagathiel Longstring here from the Kingdom of Verimead. I’m the scout stationed right before the front gate that’s meant to stop others from entering based on their progress in the game so far. I’m having an issue lately that at first I was able to ignore, but is now beginning to affect my entire work life in an embarrassing way. A few days ago the hero came through for the first time and, as he approached, I began my usual spiel with, “Halt, traveler! This Kingdom’s gates are closed to outsiders. … Oh, you were sent by Mariel from Restinn? Very well, you may pass. But be quick. You won’t want to find yourself wandering these streets after dark.” However… as soon as I got through, “Halt, traveler!” the hero had already utilized a haste spell to run past me, skipping the rest of my dialogue. He’s been back and forth ever since then and I keep attempting to initiate the dialogue, but he just won’t allow me. Things have gotten even worse now that he can fast travel there. My supervisor says that if I can’t do my job correctly I may have to find some other form of employment. How can I get the hero to slow down and speak to me before I lose my job?
Help me, Glork!

Sincerely,
Post Haste.

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Dear Pose face,

Glork can help you with your probelms of being very bad at youer jobs. First of all why you don’t just yell really loud at the hero? Try it like this. “HALT TRAVELER!!!!!” you see how Glork uses projection to make big voices come out of his face to eat the air? That is what Gassytall Longface needs to do to make the hero hear her with his ears.

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​Seconad of all is your job really that impotent to you? Glork must ask do thais job spark joy imto your thorax. And if not is it maebye time to find new employment maybe you work at Glork blacksmiths shop as register cashier girl positiom just opened up (part time no seasonal).

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We have so many benefits too like larning how to count money and getting to work with famous life coach Glork wow you will be so lucky. Also sometimes we maybe will pay you (we can negotiate this part ween you come in by fighting each other and whoever wins wins the negotiation except Glork get to dranks a strength potion first just to be fair.)

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When you quit your old stinky job and come to work for Glork all your draems will came true. Like if you dreamed about defending Glork from Bonegang DigDog the god of burying bones in Glork backyards because Glork accidenrtallty forget where the bones is and now Bonegang DigDog is here to collect them. Or if you draemed of putting hot iron on a anvil and smack it really hard with a hammier until it is a gun or a sword or boots or osmething (Glork will figure it out later just plaese get to smacking ASEP.)

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​Think raelly hard about these offer because Glork thinks this position will go out fast fast fast and if Longface archer girl doesn’t act quick she will miss big career opportunities. Anuywys thank you for you application Glork will consider you and contact you in 2-80 days with a response on whether we hired you or hired you and then fired you for not showeing up to work becauause we forgot to tells you we hired you. 

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​As always,
Glork knows best you will listen to Glork,
Fax maechine emotion,
Glork