MUST TRY Fettuccine Alfredo

      Antoinav’s family is half Italian, so holiday dinners at our house are always early and heavy, just the way he likes it. Saarthrul is 78% Naburathian Specter and 22% Vol’Zealian Flesh Ripper, so as long as it’s a meaty dish that helps him tether his spirit to this mortal coil, he’s satisfied. Me? I’m a bit pickier with my holiday dishes. It has to be big but not heavy, succulent but not decadent, and extravagant but not ingredient-intensive. In short, I want it all! Are you surprised? Neither is my family. But the holidays are the one time where you can have it all. Antoinav can have his tiramisu and eat it too, I can have my perfectly crafted extra-but-easy holiday meal, and Saarthrul can utilize the shifting of the shadows during the Winter Equinox to slip into the nightmares of sleeping town children to drain them of their youth so he can bring it to Yunaleth the Shadow Mother, thus gaining her dark blessing before the Endless Harvest. Everyone ends up happy.
      For this holiday season I decided I wanted to try my hands at a delicious Fettuccine Alfredo. Not too complicated, right?! Well, you guys need to trust me, this recipe is an absolute MUST TRY! Delicious, filling, and creamy beyond belief.

      Back in the day I used to love chicken fettuccine alfredo, but lately I’ve been trying to step into some vegetarian shoes, so for this recipe we’re going to use some pre-baked tofu. Buying the pre-baked version takes out all that extra wait time while you let the tofu drain and then marinate, though I still like to give it a quick squeeze over the sink. (Important to note that if you have a Vol’Zealian Flesh Ripper at home you can just have them utilize their powerful blood magicks to perform a blood sapping spell on the tofu to save some time. It’s all up to personal preference.) Once the tofu is dry, sprinkle on a hefty amount of your favorite seasoning! I did two batches. One with chicken seasoning for myself and Antoinav, and another with black ash and snake venom for Saarthrul (he prefers Cobra but we went for Viper, since it’s low sodium. He can’t tell the difference.)
​      Now we’re going to want to boil that pasta. I like to break my fettuccine in half before throwing it in so that the pasta is easier to handle, but Antoinav claims that that’s “sacrilegious” and totally breaks with tradition. But as conventional as our family is, I’ve never been the traditional girl! After all, I was the one to ask Antoinav to prom in high school. And last week when Saarthrul gathered a thousand crows to our yard to warn of the impending shadow that he and Yunaleth would cast on the land in the coming days, who was the one that got out the leaf blower and started to drive them all off? Not Mr. Lazy Pants Antoinav, that’s for dang sure! So break the fettuccine I shall!

      Now leave that pasta to boil for about 10 minutes while we go in and saute our tofu and some broccoli until they’re nice and golden brown. While doing this you’re also going to want to start to simmer that delicious, creamy alfredo sauce. You can make it from scratch if you’re fancy, but I prefer to just buy a big ol’ jar of the stuff and then stir in a whopping spoonful of butter to make it taste smooth and yummy. Antoinav said that using a jar of sauce rather than making it from scratch is part of the war on Christmas, and I had to remind him that not everyone in this household even celebrates Christmas. Some of us are dark specters of the night that celebrate the crawling shadow and salivate at the thought of the grand feast upon humanity that will be present at the Endless Harvest. (For clarification, I don’t celebrate the Endless Harvest, but I believe in my kid’s freedom of expression. I’m not a monster.)

      Once the pasta is boiled up, drain it and add in your tofu and broccoli. Then pour on that sauce, take in the sights of the most beautiful holiday dish you’ve ever laid eyes upon, and voila! One MUST TRY Fettuccine Alfredo served up smoking hot on your holiday table. Enjoy, Trishinators!

Ingredients:
1 box fettuccine pasta
1 jar alfredo sauce
1 block of pre-baked tofu
30 village children drained of their soul and youth, delivered promptly to the Shadow Mother
chicken seasoning
2 tablespoons of butter
1/2 cup broccoli
(optional: black ash and snake venom for seasoning)

TRISH'S RATING: 10/10 can-do food blog Moms that absolutely can have it all! (Even if it came from a jar.)
ANTOINAV'S RATING: 0/10 snooty husbands, because this grump refuses to eat anything out of a box or a can! (He loved the ham I made him, though.)
SAARTHRUL'S RATING: ???/??? as the circle of salt surrounding our house was temporarily broken, allowing Saarthrul to slip out of the house to satisfy the cravings of the Shadow Mother Yunaleth in her time before the Shadow Covers The Earth.
YUNALETH'S RATING: 30/30 child souls. "YOU HAVE DONE WELL, SHADOW PRINCE OF NABURATH. YOU WILL HAVE MY DARK BLESSING FOR THE ENDLESS HARVEST. USE IT WELL AGAINST THOSE THAT MAY CAST THE LIGHT AGAINST US, AS OUR WINDOW FOR ETERNAL POWER GROWS SMALLER EACH CENTURY."
SKIPPER'S RATING: 4/10 milk bones. "Hey, what do you mean I can't have it because garlic is poisonous to me?! Oo, a treat!!! What was I talking about?? Ruff ruff!"